Radiation Plan, hurry up and wait...

Met with the radiation doctor yesterday. Given the quantity and extent of the metastasis in my head, she is suggesting a 'full head' treatment for the lesions in the brain. This it appears would be followed up by chemo for the gerkhen hanging in my right lung. It's been a pretty short time line to compare, but she feels that a blanket dose would best get what appears to be the most developing of the problems. Oxygen rate appears good. Just need to stuff some weight on - lost 25 pounds getting here.

The Radiation doc said she will consult the Chemo Doc, today or tomorrow, and see what happens from there. I have been trying to coordinate and make sure this fast tracks. The most recent MRI was in December, and they don't have a clue what has spread where, or how quickly. Details to follow I guess. Hurry up and wait. Chemo appointment tomorrow.

Radiation treatment should start next Monday, and runs 5 days a week for the next 3 weeks. 

I won't, or maybe cannot, get over the speed with which this all is happening. It has been very sudden, and very final as well. And of course there is the natural denial that I some days adopt. I have not really gotten a complete understanding of all that is to come. I have been much more selfish [believe it or not] and but am trying to maintain at least a civil attitude, when sometimes I just want to say *F* it and move to something else. I guess I am bored already. And with 'nothing' happening per se physically [ie, no treatment reaction] - I "feel fine". That is the struggle right now. What seems to be the problem?

I know something will be happening soon, and for us that should be a good beginning. And I guess for the day, that is what I hope for.

I feel vulnerable baring my soul in this fashion. I am not a people person some say, and I do tend to bottle my feelings. Just the way it is. I hesitate to ask for help. I need things done my way. I try not to criticize, but that does not always work. I try to be patient. I try and do the next right thing. I just want to be a decent person. Something of that has slipped away, and I need to be cautious in my actions and words. Especially now.

I will attempt to be less maudlin in future posts, but it will slip in anyway I am sure. The meds keep me a little on edge, and this is, I guess, a time for at some reflection. I am not religious, but the thoughts and prayers are always welcome. After all of the shit I have done in my life, I still know there is some purpose in my being alive. And I guess that is my hope as well. And my higher power is working with me. Sometimes not sure in what way. I just keep looking for the clues.

I know I have been just a 'tad' crazier this past year plus, and I am guessing maybe this will explain some of my recent behavior. I have not been my normal self for some time, and I have let this become a big part of the problem. I just want to hide, and wake up later with all this resolved. Sounds good. That won't happen. 

OK, off the wagon for now. Keep in touch.