In these days of gloom and doom, I have found at least one somewhat positive aspect. Along with the bald head and thinning eyebrows, though the mustache remains I might add, I don't have the 'old man' hair popping up in and around my ears. So the upper lip remains covered, and my hearing has improved...
Had the fun yesterday of having a chest CT scan and a brain MRI - back to back. Actually it was pretty handy that way. Should hear the CT results tomorrow when I show up for my 3rd, and last for the time being, round of chemo. And still need to make an appointment with the radiation doc for next week. At long last the results are trickling in.
Still the battle of cold and tired. You would think I would have gotten used to it by now. And the weather certainly has not been helping. Will be going through a quick cold snap. Time for me to hibernate yet again.
The boys are working to rework the kitchen pantry and cabinets. Just trying to make the food more accessible and a bit more organized. A work in progress, so to speak. Not sure when it will be finished.
Adios for now. More coming I am sure.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Some days you are the windshield
but lately, I have been the bug.
It has been some time since I have written, though very little, really, has been going on. I will try and recap so bear with me.
Had my second round of chemo the 18th to the 20th without a seizure. BUT, with similar results - tired and cold, and some would say irritable. Cannot argue with that.
That weekend Colin and Mandy, and kids came for a short visit. As well, Heidi's sister Kris stopped in. She was on her "way" to Chicago - from Raleigh - for a conference. Had I not been Mr. Cranky it would have better, but it was still a treat to have everyone visit. Just the wrong weekend for me.
So, pretty much been sound asleep since then. I wake up tired, generally with a headache, and tire myself by going downstairs to have some coffee. It sucks. Anything requiring more than 5 minutes or so of attention is pretty difficult. Not for lack of desire - it's a body thing. It doesn't want to do it.
Met with the neurologist this afternoon - finally. I think he is the only guy in town. It has been since the 2nd when I called for an appointment. Given some of my smart ass comments, and his regular battery of tests, at this moment I am doing okay. He scheduled an EEG on the 20th - I am guessing for a benchmark of my brain's activity. Yes folks, he insists I really do have a brain. I sometimes wonder.
And next week, joy of all joys, my 3rd round of chemo. Also will be getting another CT scan to see if anything is working. I agree with Heidi. If I knew for a fact that any of this was working, I would probably feel better. In the interim I can only hope for the best and be positive. Not always an easy task.
Forgot to mention the seborrhea - brown skin patches on my head. Typical I am told of the radiation treatment. Disconcerting at first until I found out it was "OK".
I really do not have much else to share at the moment. I have said it before - I've been told the worse I feel, the better things are going. Treatment wise. If that is the case, I should be cured here pretty soon. And just about everyone I see tells me I don't look sick. I appreciate hearing that, and really hope they are correct. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It is grueling, tedious, frustrating...
Till we meet again....
It has been some time since I have written, though very little, really, has been going on. I will try and recap so bear with me.
Had my second round of chemo the 18th to the 20th without a seizure. BUT, with similar results - tired and cold, and some would say irritable. Cannot argue with that.
That weekend Colin and Mandy, and kids came for a short visit. As well, Heidi's sister Kris stopped in. She was on her "way" to Chicago - from Raleigh - for a conference. Had I not been Mr. Cranky it would have better, but it was still a treat to have everyone visit. Just the wrong weekend for me.
So, pretty much been sound asleep since then. I wake up tired, generally with a headache, and tire myself by going downstairs to have some coffee. It sucks. Anything requiring more than 5 minutes or so of attention is pretty difficult. Not for lack of desire - it's a body thing. It doesn't want to do it.
Met with the neurologist this afternoon - finally. I think he is the only guy in town. It has been since the 2nd when I called for an appointment. Given some of my smart ass comments, and his regular battery of tests, at this moment I am doing okay. He scheduled an EEG on the 20th - I am guessing for a benchmark of my brain's activity. Yes folks, he insists I really do have a brain. I sometimes wonder.
And next week, joy of all joys, my 3rd round of chemo. Also will be getting another CT scan to see if anything is working. I agree with Heidi. If I knew for a fact that any of this was working, I would probably feel better. In the interim I can only hope for the best and be positive. Not always an easy task.
Forgot to mention the seborrhea - brown skin patches on my head. Typical I am told of the radiation treatment. Disconcerting at first until I found out it was "OK".
I really do not have much else to share at the moment. I have said it before - I've been told the worse I feel, the better things are going. Treatment wise. If that is the case, I should be cured here pretty soon. And just about everyone I see tells me I don't look sick. I appreciate hearing that, and really hope they are correct. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It is grueling, tedious, frustrating...
Till we meet again....
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Daily Survival Kit
I just wanted to throw this up for grins and giggles. And just leave it for now. More later. Radiation Doc this morning. Oh, it is snowing and really quiet and peaceful. Actually better than rain in my mind.
The formatting screwed up; sorry bout that.
****************************************
Daily Survival Kit for Serious Illness
BY
Thomas L. McDermitt
A long time cancer patient and skeptic
(You don't have to agree with all of this all of the time. But fit generally speak to you, try to read all or parts of it every day, or have it read to you. Part of the help is in the doing, regardless of your attitude or emotions on that day. On some level the help is gradual and often not evident.)
1. Today I am going to try to live through this day only, and not dwell on or attempt to solve all my
problems at once; just focus on the piece that is today. I can do something for several hours that
would be difficult to even think about continuing for several months.
2. Just for today, I am willing to accept the possibility that there is a purpose to this suffering; that it can be a source of meaning and growth for myself and others, though I may not always recognize the ways. And it seems possible that this suffering will not have been in vain, because of what may be some kind of existence beyond.
3. Just for today, let me remind myself that I am basically a worthwhile person, worth loving, despite my faults and limits. I deserve the efforts of others to help me through my illness.
4. Just for today, I want to be aware that it is all right to want too much from others at times. illness brings out and intensifies the small child in all of us. And if I feel hurt when those who care for me cannot be there, it may help to remember that they have needs, frailties, and limitations of their own. A lack of response does not mean that they are personally rejecting me.
5. Today I may feel the need to complain a great deal; I may have little tolerance; I may cry; I may
scream. That does not mean that I am less courageous or strong. All are ways of expressing anger over this mess, of rightly mourning my losses. Endurance itself is courage.
6. It is my life at stake now. So maybe today I can allow myself to be a little less concerned about
the reactions or impressions of others. Maybe I can allow myself to feel a little less guilty or bad
about what I did not accomplish or give. Perhaps today I can be a little more gentle toward
myself
7. Surviving this is all so difficult. At times it seems impossible - that I have had enough. Down
the line I will know if and when I have had enough, when I cannot push the limits any further. I
will have the right to choose to stop, without feeling that I am "giving up." But today I think I
can deal with illness. Sorrow runs very deep, but I think I can rise again.
8. Just for today, maybe I can give healing "the benefit of the doubt." The drugs are powerful; the
natural healing capacity of my body is powerful. And who knows, perhaps there is healing power
in my will to struggle, and in the collective love and will of others.
9. Just for today, perhaps I can take heart that we are all connected. And I may still have some
things lefi to contribute to the family of man; some light to add to the light. Even now my
endurance (however imperfect) is a gift, an inspiration for others in their struggles.
10. It seems reasonable that there is a season for everything, k d a time for every purpose. Pain,
weakness and exhaustion may distort my senses and spirit. Today, however, I can at least find
some hope in nature's way, if not in some master plan. The chances are fairy good, and it seems
worthwhile to hope that I will have some cycle of wellness yet.
Copyright 1989 Thomas L. McDermitt
The formatting screwed up; sorry bout that.
****************************************
Daily Survival Kit for Serious Illness
BY
Thomas L. McDermitt
A long time cancer patient and skeptic
(You don't have to agree with all of this all of the time. But fit generally speak to you, try to read all or parts of it every day, or have it read to you. Part of the help is in the doing, regardless of your attitude or emotions on that day. On some level the help is gradual and often not evident.)
1. Today I am going to try to live through this day only, and not dwell on or attempt to solve all my
problems at once; just focus on the piece that is today. I can do something for several hours that
would be difficult to even think about continuing for several months.
2. Just for today, I am willing to accept the possibility that there is a purpose to this suffering; that it can be a source of meaning and growth for myself and others, though I may not always recognize the ways. And it seems possible that this suffering will not have been in vain, because of what may be some kind of existence beyond.
3. Just for today, let me remind myself that I am basically a worthwhile person, worth loving, despite my faults and limits. I deserve the efforts of others to help me through my illness.
4. Just for today, I want to be aware that it is all right to want too much from others at times. illness brings out and intensifies the small child in all of us. And if I feel hurt when those who care for me cannot be there, it may help to remember that they have needs, frailties, and limitations of their own. A lack of response does not mean that they are personally rejecting me.
5. Today I may feel the need to complain a great deal; I may have little tolerance; I may cry; I may
scream. That does not mean that I am less courageous or strong. All are ways of expressing anger over this mess, of rightly mourning my losses. Endurance itself is courage.
6. It is my life at stake now. So maybe today I can allow myself to be a little less concerned about
the reactions or impressions of others. Maybe I can allow myself to feel a little less guilty or bad
about what I did not accomplish or give. Perhaps today I can be a little more gentle toward
myself
7. Surviving this is all so difficult. At times it seems impossible - that I have had enough. Down
the line I will know if and when I have had enough, when I cannot push the limits any further. I
will have the right to choose to stop, without feeling that I am "giving up." But today I think I
can deal with illness. Sorrow runs very deep, but I think I can rise again.
8. Just for today, maybe I can give healing "the benefit of the doubt." The drugs are powerful; the
natural healing capacity of my body is powerful. And who knows, perhaps there is healing power
in my will to struggle, and in the collective love and will of others.
9. Just for today, perhaps I can take heart that we are all connected. And I may still have some
things lefi to contribute to the family of man; some light to add to the light. Even now my
endurance (however imperfect) is a gift, an inspiration for others in their struggles.
10. It seems reasonable that there is a season for everything, k d a time for every purpose. Pain,
weakness and exhaustion may distort my senses and spirit. Today, however, I can at least find
some hope in nature's way, if not in some master plan. The chances are fairy good, and it seems
worthwhile to hope that I will have some cycle of wellness yet.
Copyright 1989 Thomas L. McDermitt
Monday, March 2, 2009
Crazy Monkeys
I think that best describes last Friday's incident. One minute I am sitting in a chair - the next, I am looking through slits in my eyes trying to say anything, and flailing on the floor. Quite the scare for everyone. Grand Mal Seizure was the diagnosis in ER. EKG and portable CAT scan showed nothing out of the ordinary.
So now I do not know if it was the radiation or the chemo. Missed my third IV, so need to talk with the Doc this morning the see what the game plan is. And to make an appointment with a neurologist. The radiation Doc is tomorrow. It would be nice to know what might have triggered it. But for sure it appears I will be taking Dilantin for quite some time.
Slept all day yesterday. A welcome relief from the last few weeks. And then another 6 or so last night. Just really tired and cold for the most part.
Rather than drag this on, I am going to close for now, and try and write again later. Notice I said try.
Friday, February 27, 2009
New Meds
... some bad stuff too. Had two seizures this morning. 911. Completely stable and home by 3:00 pm. First seizure I've ever had and hopefully the last. They perscribed Dilantin to get them under control.
So..... that means I missed Chemo this morning. At the Oncologist neither of the primary, and more experienced doctors, were there. I guess we will just have to wait until Monday. I've got plenty of nothing on my calendar anyway.
I will get another post going for later this evening.
Thank you all for your support
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Day Two
So today wasn't too bad. Slept again - about an hour. Which is good since I got no sleep Wednesday night. It seems we 'over dosed' on the Decadron - the anti-inflammatory that was being used to lessen the swelling around the brain lesions. I had been taking two 4mg per day. The idea was to stop taking it to see if the radiation was successful. Well - part of yesterday's cocktail was a 20mg dose. There was no way I was going to sleep.
Additionally I was given Emend - for the prevention of nausea and vomiting. And it works.
Not much else to pass on. Oh wait - had the hot water heater replaced today. Not very good timing.
If you are dead, serenity is academic.
Stress may not kill you, but it doesn't help. I am pretty stressed at the moment.
Found the pictures from Tibet and have fixed the link. Or click here. It was fun to review that journey.
So I just need to keep my spirits up and that really helps.
Enough for now.
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