Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round

So today started the treatment. Just a bit afraid what will happen, and how it will go. It has been the anxiousness I suppose that has given me the wobbly weekend I just had. Fear is still fear no matter the basis.

Colin and family came over this past weekend - sort of. They drove over Saturday morning, and spent the afternoon Sunday heading back home. Nothing real unusual this time of year. It was a real treat to have them here with no other distractions. Gavin gave me a hat to help me keep warm during the treatment period. One of those British racing hats - you all know them. It's now my Cancer Cap.

Wednesday 1/28/2009

So Monday was fine, and Tuesday sucked. Slept all day through after a '15' minute session. Woke around 7pm but could not just come to. Downstairs for some quiet time and some more sleep. Finally woke again about 8am, but still not quite there.

Got sort of going, and headed for another blast from the past. It was a quick and painless process. Then I asked the tech about the PET report. Afterwards a Dr. Hummer spoke with me about them. Seems that there could be a spread to the liver. Not sure if she was in safe mode or what.

Doing pretty well right now. I really don't have much else to pass along right now. Will have to write more later. A lot of thoughts rolling through right now.

Ya da, Ya da - will interpret the images, write a report, and deliver the results to your doctor. This process usually takes 2 to 3 days.

Here is a link you should be able to follow for information on one of the next steps in the process  - a PET scan. That is set for Thursday. This is designed to show the 'flow' if you will of any further metastasis. And the process it might be traveling? That is about my best understanding.

Then radiation therapy to start on Monday. Again, much hustle with little bustle. But I will keep the moaning to myself. Still on the positive I would like to think.

FROM THE EYES TO THE THIGHS

So today's scan was done to hopefully pin down what is moving where and how and shit like that. Had gone into the Radiation office quickly earlier to have final mask fitting for the process to start next Monday.

We'd met with Dr. Shiff on Wednesday, and his offer was to return in about 2 weeks. See how the Radio is doing, and try to chart a Chemo plan. I am guessing surgery is pretty much out. Instead, I will for sure quit smoking - ha - and do what I can to at least stop any new cancer growth.

Still not getting the warm and fuzzies about the full process, but I keep an open mind. Of course no one commits to a finality, or single absolute phrase that will make it all come to end. Still - my problem and I keep working at it.

Laying low this weekend to try and prep for the treatment. Colin had mentioned coming over for the day, but we will have to see how the weather goes. Of course there is the rest of life to contend with.

More to follow.

Radiation Plan, hurry up and wait...

Met with the radiation doctor yesterday. Given the quantity and extent of the metastasis in my head, she is suggesting a 'full head' treatment for the lesions in the brain. This it appears would be followed up by chemo for the gerkhen hanging in my right lung. It's been a pretty short time line to compare, but she feels that a blanket dose would best get what appears to be the most developing of the problems. Oxygen rate appears good. Just need to stuff some weight on - lost 25 pounds getting here.

The Radiation doc said she will consult the Chemo Doc, today or tomorrow, and see what happens from there. I have been trying to coordinate and make sure this fast tracks. The most recent MRI was in December, and they don't have a clue what has spread where, or how quickly. Details to follow I guess. Hurry up and wait. Chemo appointment tomorrow.

Radiation treatment should start next Monday, and runs 5 days a week for the next 3 weeks. 

I won't, or maybe cannot, get over the speed with which this all is happening. It has been very sudden, and very final as well. And of course there is the natural denial that I some days adopt. I have not really gotten a complete understanding of all that is to come. I have been much more selfish [believe it or not] and but am trying to maintain at least a civil attitude, when sometimes I just want to say *F* it and move to something else. I guess I am bored already. And with 'nothing' happening per se physically [ie, no treatment reaction] - I "feel fine". That is the struggle right now. What seems to be the problem?

I know something will be happening soon, and for us that should be a good beginning. And I guess for the day, that is what I hope for.

I feel vulnerable baring my soul in this fashion. I am not a people person some say, and I do tend to bottle my feelings. Just the way it is. I hesitate to ask for help. I need things done my way. I try not to criticize, but that does not always work. I try to be patient. I try and do the next right thing. I just want to be a decent person. Something of that has slipped away, and I need to be cautious in my actions and words. Especially now.

I will attempt to be less maudlin in future posts, but it will slip in anyway I am sure. The meds keep me a little on edge, and this is, I guess, a time for at some reflection. I am not religious, but the thoughts and prayers are always welcome. After all of the shit I have done in my life, I still know there is some purpose in my being alive. And I guess that is my hope as well. And my higher power is working with me. Sometimes not sure in what way. I just keep looking for the clues.

I know I have been just a 'tad' crazier this past year plus, and I am guessing maybe this will explain some of my recent behavior. I have not been my normal self for some time, and I have let this become a big part of the problem. I just want to hide, and wake up later with all this resolved. Sounds good. That won't happen. 

OK, off the wagon for now. Keep in touch.

Day One

Will give this a shot and see how it works.

Visited with another pulmonary doctor on Friday. Primary Lung Cancer. Stage IV. Not real good news.

Will be visiting the Radiation Doc on Monday, and the Chemo Doc on Wednesday and get more of a game plan going. No idea how the body will respond to either - just have to hold out hope and see what develops.

I gather this removes some anxiety - I know better what is going on. But, still need to plot a future course.